You Stuck WHAT Up Your Nose!?!

The past week has been pretty intense for me. My hormones are crazy, I have been as nauseous as ever, and spent two days partially incapacitated by a migraine. So you can imagine my relief when Friday finally came and I woke up feeling mostly human again. The kids and I spent the morning doing some Easter crafts and spring activities before I let them loose in the backyard to play for an hour before their mandated “Quiet Time” was to begin. One of their favorite outdoor past times is “planting Truffula seeds” in a section of loose rocks that stretches from the back door to the edge of the house (worst landscaping idea ever, silly landlord.). It seems that on Friday, not only were the kids planting Truffula seeds, but the holes they dug in the rocks yielded some new treasures, one of which made its way into our house via the pocket of our 4 year old.

After I got the kids situated for Quiet Time with the special treat of watching a movie together on one of our tablets, I got busy working on some birthday projects for little Pixie’s birthday party. Since we cancelled our cable a couple months back, I have instead been listening to various Ted talks and podcasts on my iPad while crafting. One of my favorite podcasts is Penn’s Sunday School (I love myself some Penn Jillette) and since my husband has been recommending I find an hour and a half to listen to the episode where George Takai talks with Penn about growing up in a Japanese American internment camp, I decided to turn that on while I worked.

About 45 minutes into this amazing interview with George Takai, I hear a blood curdling, death scream, followed by Zoren running out of his sister’s room, finger up his nose, blood covering his hand and dripping down his sleeve. Flipping awesome….

For a split second I was sure it was just a bloody nose until Z says to me, absolutely hysterical, “It’s stuck, it’s stuck. My battery is stuck in my nose and I can’t get it out!” WHAT!?! You stuck WHAT up your freaking nose!?! And then panic started to set in a little and a partition of my brain wandered off to an operating room somewhere imagining the worst case scenario, while I sat on the floor of our living room trying comfort my boy, grabbing handfuls of Kleenex for him to bleed into, and calling my husband repeatedly at work (while he was in the bathroom trying to pee, poor guy) because I was sure this would require an ER visit and our car was parked across town at the Park and Ride.

After I got ahold of my husband and knew he was on his way home, I took a deep breath, flipped off the panic button in my head, and assessed the situation logically, i.e. “zombie apocalypse stye”… I immediately decided that if I ever had a chance of surviving said apocalypse, I should, at a bare minimum, have the skills to remove a foreign object from someones nose or I should at least be trying to do so until Steve got back because, well, what else was I going to do for the next 20 minutes.

So I helped Z calm down and we worked on cleaning all the excess blood out of his nose and once I got a good look in there, I knew I had a decent chance of getting this thing out, hopefully without lodging it even further into his nasal cavity. Risky, yes. But I had to at least try, right? I found and cleaned my “battery” removal tools, a set of long handled tweezers that had rounded ends and a set of short handled tweezers that came to a point, both of which I found in the bottom of my purse. Then I propped Zoren up on the couch with his head tipped back a bit, held the flashlight my mouth to see what I was doing since my hands were otherwise occupied with tweezers and a flailing noggin, and after a couple tries (made more difficult by a screaming and head jerking boy) I was able to dislodge this thing from its perch near the bridge of his nose, just enough for him to blow it out into a piece of paper towel. Phew! Crisis averted.

And it wasn’t even a battery. It was a piece of cable (like for installing cable TV), a black rubber cylinder covering a chunk of metal, not more then a centimeter in height and just about as big around as one of Stori’s hearing aid batteries. He apparently had found it outside while planting Truffula seeds by the house, right below where the cable TV was initially installed back when other renters lived here, and he was pretending it was his battery. And why did he stick it up his nose you ask? Because he wanted to smell it of course.

I must admit, I was pretty proud of myself for getting that thing out and saving us a visit to the ER. So much so that I keep fantasizing about asking our insurance company to float us a couple hundred dollars for saving them from the thousand dollar bill that would have surely been heading their way, if it weren’t for my mad surgical skills. I have also concluded that things are definitely looking up for my chances of surviving a zombie apocalypse and that this is perhaps the best mindset for me to jump into in cases of crisis, because apparently I work pretty well under the imaginary threat of life and limb (or braaaiiins… ). Jeez, I am such a nerd.

Anyway, Zoren is fine and spent the rest of the afternoon alternately telling me how awesome I am for saving him and how scary the situation was. I am hopeful that it taught him an important lesson about why we don’t go shoving small objects up our nose, but he’s a boy, so you never know.

Luckily, the rest of our weekend was uneventful, aside from the foot of snow that we got on Saturday. But I was at least able to get a bunch of birthday projects completed for Pixie’s big day. I can’t believe she is going to be three years old tomorrow!!

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